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What’s holding you back from a great marriage?
“I don’t believe in ‘okay,’ ‘decent,’ or ‘solid’ marriages. I’m against them,” says M. Gary Neuman. “I believe only in great marriages, and that you should expect and reach for no less.” In the last fifteen years, M. Gary Neuman, marital therapist and architect of the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program, has helped thousands of couples in crisis. Couples who fight. Who’ve grown apart. Who are stuck in relationships that run more on routine and rancor than love and understanding. What he’s found is that, contrary to popular belief, the problem is usually not poor communication. It’s the failure to put most of your focus into your marriage. You’ve only got so much energy. Are you spending it by being emotionally unfaithful?
Take a quick check: Do you send that funny e-mail to your friends at work—but not to your spouse? Do you chew over all the problems on the job so thoroughly with your colleagues that by the time you get home, you just don’t feel like going into it all over again? Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers—thinking it’s safe because you know it’s not going any further? If so, you’re committing emotional infidelity—and you’re draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great. Learning how to break this cycle is one of eleven secrets M. Gary Neuman shares in his provocative new book.
Based on the ten-week program he’s developed in his successful couples counseling practice, the book offers guidelines that are often counterintuitive, even outrageous or shocking. But they work. Dare to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. Dare to need each other. Dare to put in writing the nitty-gritty realities of a marriage plan. Dare to put your marriage before your kids or job. Dare to make love in a whole new way. Dare to change your focus: make the commitment to focus on each of the eleven secrets (ten plus one bonus secret) for one week apiece and you’ll reap the rewards of a transformed marriage and a reconfirmed relationship.
M. Gary Neuman’s program is guaranteed to challenge you and make you reexamine the myths holding you back from true happiness and satisfaction. It will change your marriage forever.
- Sales Rank: #359479 in Books
- Brand: Unknown
- Published on: 2002-09-24
- Released on: 2002-09-24
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .70" w x 5.30" l, .51 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 320 pages
Features
- Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage and Ten Other Secrets to a Great Relationship
Amazon.com Review
You don't have to have sex to cheat on your marriage, counsels M. Gary Neuman in his practical and provocative book, Emotional Infidelity. Neuman, a therapist, family mediator, and rabbi, suggests that when you invest your emotional energy in opposite-sex coworkers or friends--instead of focusing on your spouse--you are unfaithful to your marriage. With clear case examples, scenes from his own marriage, quizzes, and exercises, Neuman illustrates 11 "secrets" that couples can apply to insulate and protect their marriage. Each secret is defined in a separate chapter, along with a blueprint for bringing it home. For example, the secret of setting marital goals includes a step-by-step guide to creating a "marriage proposal," and the chapter about the impact of childhood in marriage offers readers probing questions about the legacy of their parents' marriage. However, Neuman's most controversial secret is his ability to skewer the myth of marriage as mutual independence. Instead, he urges couples to establish a "healthy co-dependence" in their marriage and to "protect their marriage against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex." Neuman's passion for increasing focus and commitment in marriage can be both persuasive and challenging, with his clear values and strategies requiring that readers reexamine their ideas about marriage. --Barbara Mackoff
From Publishers Weekly
"If we operated our business the way we run our marriage, most people would be bankrupt," asserts Neuman in this manual for creating and maintaining nothing less than great marriages. Admitting that this objective "takes a 110 percent effort," the coauthor of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way brings 14 years of experience as a marital counselor and an equally long marriage of his own to this comprehensive guide. The title refers to Neuman's belief in "the single most important thing you can do for your marriage," namely limiting your relationships with everyone other than your partner, particularly members of the opposite sex. Neuman also offers 10 other "secrets" for couples to work through in 10 weeks, including sharing specific goals and plans, clearly defining roles for each partner, appreciating each other, fostering interdependence and understanding the effects of your childhood on your marriage. Reminding readers that a great marriage takes years to cultivate, Neuman provides a four-point plan: touch each other five times daily, go on a weekly date, have a long talk four times a week, and have an all-out romantic lovemaking night monthly. Neuman makes the questionable claim that it only takes one partner to transform a marriage and make it great, and confuses interdependency with "codependency" (which may offend readers struggling with issues of relationships with actively addicted persons). Still, this is an important addition to the marriage manual genre, complete with an unusually helpful section on in-law relationships. (Oct. 23)Forecast: Marriage manuals are always in demand in bookstores and hot topics for talk shows. This one offers a unique (and possibly controversial) viewpoint as well as an experienced and engaging author. Planned national publicity could spark high interest and sales.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From the Inside Flap
What's holding you back from a great marriage?
"I don't believe in 'okay, ' 'decent, ' or 'solid' marriages. I'm against them," says M. Gary Neuman. "I believe only in great marriages, and that you should expect and reach for no less." In the last fifteen years, M. Gary Neuman, marital therapist and architect of the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program, has helped thousands of couples in crisis. Couples who fight. Who've grown apart. Who are stuck in relationships that run more on routine and rancor than love and understanding. What he's found is that, contrary to popular belief, the problem is usually not poor communication. It's the failure to put most of your focus into your marriage. You've only got so much energy. Are you spending it by being emotionally unfaithful?
Take a quick check: Do you send that funny e-mail to your friends at work--but not to your spouse? Do you chew over all the problems on the job so thoroughly with your colleagues that by the time you get home, you just don't feel like going into it all over again? Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers--thinking it's safe because you know it's not going any further? If so, you're committing emotional infidelity--and you're draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great. Learning how to break this cycle is one of eleven secrets M. Gary Neuman shares in his provocative new book.
Based on the ten-week program he's developed in his successful couples counseling practice, the book offers guidelines that are often counterintuitive, even outrageous or shocking. But they work. Dare to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. Dare to need each other. Dare to put in writing thenitty-gritty realities of a marriage plan. Dare to put your marriage before your kids or job. Dare to make love in a whole new way. Dare to change your focus: make the commitment to focus on each of the eleven secrets (ten plus one bonus secret) for one week apiece and you'll reap the rewards of a transformed marriage and a reconfirmed relationship.
M. Gary Neuman's program is guaranteed to challenge you and make you reexamine the myths holding you back from true happiness and satisfaction. It will change your marriage forever.
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
I LOVE this book
By Uniqgrl
I LOVE this book. I checked it out from the library several times and then finally decided to buy it. I read TONS of marriage and family books and this one is by far my favorite. I even have my husband reading it with me. It gives great tips, really helps you to reconnect and be closer. It talks about stuff that most marriage books don't even touch on (ie not having friendships with members of the opposite sex), and I'm sure some would disagree with his ideas, but if you truly want an outstanding marriage then follow his counsel. You won't regret reading this book!
31 of 33 people found the following review helpful.
Insight to workplace extramarital affairs
By DTru_Rivvy
Emotional Infidelity focuses on strengthening and healing marriages, but it helped me through the first two years of accepting and healing after my ex-husband's multiple emotional and physical workplace affairs. I purchased this book the day after I found out about my ex's last affair. Hindsight is 20/20, and the scenarios in this book were a blueprint of the last 2 years of my marriage: phone calls at home from "co-workers", working late at the office, and driving to the office in the middle of the night to take care of "security alarm" calls. I read several books to help get through the painful breakup, and Emotional Infidelity was the most insighful and practical book on emotional (and physical) affairs I found. My marriage was over, but reading the book encouraged me to focus on my own strength without my ex.
18 of 21 people found the following review helpful.
When Marriage Counseling Hasn't Helped...
By PCJ
Thank you, Gary Neuman, for graciously expressing the heart of the marriage promise...and how certain assumptions weasel their way between spouses and reduce what should be the most profound and requiting relationship of one's life to merely a working arrangement between acquaintances - or worse, divorce. I wish more counselors would read this book...and quit trying to fix troubled marriages by advising us how to "fight fair", "communicate effectively" and "discover your own sense of identity." Mr. Neuman is on target: spouses must NOT waste their energy on others instead of protecting and investing themselves in one another. This is the foundation of a healthy and happy relationship. Also of note: Great practical guidelines for men and women to follow if they want to have a marriage - and reputation - of integrity!
Post Script, 2011: Four years ago, I read this remarkable book and asked my husband to also consider Mr. Neuman's thesis, a very pertinent point for our struggling marriage. He agreed, read the first chapter, but somehow, in all the hustle and labor of his corporate travels, conventions and business-meetings-over-three-meals-a-day, "lost" the book in the bottom of a piece of luggage or moving box. After one particularly extended business excursion, he returned with a third wedding ring, which I found "hidden" in the box which originally held our wedding rings from 26 years ago. Starting at least 10 years earlier, he had become innured to social networking, corporate entertainment budgets which encouraged surreptitious double dating, and enless "get togethers/tweet-ups" with female business acquaintances who were "passing through town" and (when I finally gained access to some of their emails) frankly admitted that they had no actual business to discuss. After our youngest graduated from high school, I filed for divorce. He appears to be unaffected and continues to flirt with an endless parade of "professional" women.
Our 26 year marriage has ended in indescribable pain for me, depression, discouragement, financial ruin for everyone and a miserable model of dysfunctional marriage for our children. Dear reader, the fact that those who rejected Mr. Neuman's advice have seen their marriage dissolve and those who (you'll see among the reviews posted here) paid attention and employed Mr. Newman's wise suggestions have enjoyed a renewed love and thriving marriage tells you what you need to know. This book is well worth the investment of a few dollars for Mr. Neuman's wisdom, but the real value of this volume is in its application!
See all 41 customer reviews...
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